How Fashion and Thriftshops Helped Me Break The Cycle of Abuse
Today I am gonna get real with all of you, just like the ten million American's per year, I have been a victim of Domestic Violence. I was made to believe I was ugly, useless, and unloveable by the very person who should have honored and respected me the most, my husband and the father of our daughter. For years I allowed the physical and emotional abuse to cripple my self esteem and break my spirit. Leaving him wasn’t easy, in fact, no one ever tells you this, but 75% of murders committed by intimate partners happen post separation. This makes leaving one of the most dangerous times of an abusive relationship. The danger only increases when you add a custody battle in an unjust, under-educated and corrupt court system. People like one mom's battle have dedicated their lives to the reform of our court systems to better serve children who are also survivors of abuse.
There are endless reasons for people to stay in an abusive relationship... from the outside looking in, one might think, why doesn’t she just leave... not understanding she has to navigate a minefield of obstacles including her own self esteem.
For me, watching my daughter’s father turn on her and subject her to the same degrading emotional abuse he subjected me to was enough motivation for me to look past all of those obstacles and fight for our lives to be free.
Honest to god, I could not have made this monumental life changing decision without goodwill and fashion. As you can see from the to do list I made after one physical altercation.
One of the most common obstacles for women leaving abuse is money. And I, like many other single mothers before me, was no exception. I had no money to hire an attorney, and so I had to represent myself in my divorce and in obtaining a Domestic Violence Protection Order. If you have been where I have been, you know what I was up against. If you have never been in this position, there is no way to describe the battle that must be fought and won. However, I can tell you, it is common knowledge that commissioners and judge’s have no patience for ProSe (when you represent yourself in court) and generally want to get you in and out of their sight as quickly as possible.
How you present in court is everything... never in your life has the expression “you only have one
chance to make a first impression” meant more to you than the first time you go in front of a judge who is in control of the wellbeing and safety of your child and yourself. Being well put together and polished can make a huge difference in how you will be treated by the all mighty decision maker.
This was where goodwill comes in. Everyone knows the importance of The Power Suit. But if you have never worn a power suit you might not realize that the right suit possesses magical powers that transform you into The Boss. Going to court in a power suit is the equivalent of wearing a bathing suit when you go swimming in a public pool. The only problem is, power suits are damn expensive, and as a single mother, obviously spending $500 on a banana republic suit is not gonna happen. I went to goodwill and found the same Banana Republic suit for only $24.99... I had the suit that would wow the judge’s now all I needed was the confidence to wear it with style despite the shaky sweaty palms and the racing heart. (The joys of PTSD) The experts agree that body language is a huge part of communication. And I know that everyone would agree that confidence is the best outfit.
After being abused, finding that inner confidence and self love is imperative. I feel eternally grateful for the fabulous women’s DV support group I started attending after leaving my abuser. One week they hosted a Self Defense Workshop. It was sooo much fun for us ladies, “eyes and nose, groin and knees, groin and knees, groin and knees, eyes and nose, groin and knees, take that fucker out with ease”
Although it was a blast learning how to break noses and poke eyes out, the most powerful and
valuable technique I learned in that self defense class was, the Superman stance. This is when you stand with your feet wide and your hands on your hips, the idea is to take up more space with your body, thus, asserting your dominance. This not only makes you look like you are in charge, it also has a psychological affect, it actually makes you feel more powerful, stronger, and more confident! Thank you self defense class, you just taught me how to "Werk" My Wardrobe!
I was so lucky to have this knowledge about body language under my belt as I faced the judge and my abuser in court time and again. The power stance really made me and my Banana Republic Power Suit a force to be reckoned with!
My daughter and I got our happy ending. I finalized my divorce on October 6th, 2017 wearing a gorgeous Banana Republic Dress I found at goodwill for $9.99 and a pair of BCBG purple (the color for the DV ribbon) high heels also at goodwill for only $7.99. I looked so beautiful the day of my divorce, so full of life and light. We now have a ten year restraining order that protects both my daughter and myself. We are free from abuse, and enjoying life to its fullest. I finally feel beautiful, valued, and loved because I give myself all of those things. This new found self love feels more fulfilling than any love I’ve had before, it is better than I could have ever imagined!
Yesterday, I got the opportunity to give back, and be a support to a friend by helping her obtain a Domestic Violence Protection Order. Knowing that I had to be in front of a judge once again, this time representing my dear friends best interests. I re-wore my banana republic divorce dress for this occasion. hoping that the fashion gods would grant my friend the same luck this dress had granted me. Success, my friend and her kiddo are officially protected and can now begin the rewarding journey of self love, self discovery and healing.
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